You Get to Choose What YOUR Marriage Looks Like

Everyone has an opinion about marriage—some say it’s outdated, others say it’s a trap, and plenty are walking away from it altogether. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to accept anyone else’s version. You get to choose what your marriage looks like.

It’s been a good minute since I’ve put my virtual pen to paper, so let’s talk.

Now, quick disclaimer: I am by no means a marriage expert. But I have been married before, and I’m in a season where marriage is something I deeply desire. Because of that, I’ve been doing the work so that when God sends my husband, I’m ready.

How Marriage Used to Be Defined

Growing up, marriage was the ultimate goal, the “natural progression” of a relationship. The finale. And it was strictly between a man and a woman (I’m talking about what I was taught).

Marriage was :

• A husband who led, protected, and provided

• A wife who was submissive and domestic

• A home with 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence

Who remembers: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage”? We all sang it as kids.

When I was in junior high, home economics was still a class (and no I’m not that old 😆). Historically, it existed to prepare young women for domestic roles. All of these things shaped my early ideas of what marriage was “supposed” to be. Being single wasn’t popular or celebrated the way it is today.

The Shift in Marriage Trends

Let’s look at how things have changed. According to good ol’ Google:

From 1970 to 2022, the U.S. marriage rate dropped by over 50%. In 1970, there were 76.5 marriages per 1,000 unmarried women; by 2022, that number had fallen to 31.3.

Why? A few factors:

• More people choosing to live together without marrying (what our parents and grandparents called “shacking up”)

• Choosing education and career before marriage

• Changing societal norms

These shifts, combined with complaints about the “trash” dating pool, lack of loyalty, and fear of commitment, have made marriage sound negative, ike a sentence instead of a blessing.

But here’s the truth: you get to choose what your marriage looks like.

My First Marriage

I was married April 22, 2000—just 10 days after my 21st birthday. To be honest, I went in blind and unprepared. Neither of us was ready for the responsibility of marriage.

I married because it felt like the “next step.” I married because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Where my church kids at? Sound familiar? But I didn’t marry because I desired companionship. I didn’t marry because I was in love. I didn’t marry because I had made an informed decision or truly desired to be a wife.

And once I was in it, I didn’t realize I had a choice. I just did what I thought I was supposed to do, based on what I had seen and been taught.

Marriage Is Work—But the Good Kind

People often say marriage is “work.” And while I agree, I see it differently: marriage is partnership. It’s not “I have to.” It’s “I get to.”

I get to build a future with the husband God chose for me.

I get to wake up every day next to the man I love.

I get to travel the world with him.

I get to parent the children we create together.

I get to navigate life’s challenges hand-in-hand.

I get to laugh until my stomach hurts.

I get to worship God with my husband.

Yes, marriage takes work—but it’s work with a purpose.

When Love Isn’t Enough

Love is the foundation, but it’s not the whole house. When the “in love” feeling gets stretched thin by stress, routine, or disappointment, you need other pillars to hold the weight.

• Shift from feelings to choice. Love as an emotion comes and goes, but love as a commitment is a choice you renew daily.

• Build friendship. Baybee, please be my BFF. Laugh together. Share inside jokes. Have those late-night pillow talks (iykyk 😆).

• Rebuild intimacy (not just sex). I said what I said! Intimacy is about touch, affection, eye contact, and little moments of closeness.

Choosing What Marriage Looks Like

So what does it mean to choose what your marriage looks like?

It means deciding together:

• How you’ll manage finances

• How you’ll communicate

• How you’ll navigate triggers and conflict

• How you’ll handle family dynamics

• What your parenting style will be

• What faith and worship look like in your home

You get to build your marriage from the ground up—you, your spouse, and God.

Why I Still Desire Marriage

Three reasons I still desire marriage again:

1. Partnership with Purpose. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor” (Ecclesiastes 4:9).

2. Covenant Security. Unlike dating, marriage is a covenant, not a contract. It’s a safe place where two people say: “I’m committed even when it’s hard.”

3. Legacy & Impact. At my age, legacy may not come through more children, but it can come through the influence of a life lived in unity. Inspiring others through what we’ve built!

Final Thoughts

Marriage is still a beautiful thing. Marriage is still honorable. And remember—you get to choose what your marriage looks like.

What about you? If you’re married (or hope to be), what choices would you want to define your marriage?

Until next time 🦋