Preparing To Say Goodbye, Again
Life comes at you fast!
Here we are less than a year later preparing to say goodbye, this time, my mom.
I honestly feel like I’m in a fucking nightmarish sequel!
How are we here again?
How did we not see this coming?
Can we finish grieving our dad? DAMN
I literally told God that I have no desire to be one of his strongest soldiers any longer. Choose someone else because I’m hella tired.
She’s only really been sick the last three weeks. The guilt is heavy on me like wet jeans. How did I fucking miss this? I see her just about everyday! How long has she been sick?
All of these questions ringing loudly in my head.
9/1 found her in the house, well my daughter actually because I was too afraid to go in. There she was on the floor, with empty eyes, on her knees, swollen face, in the very spot my dad died last October.
There I sit, in the back of the ambulance, on her right side as she asks me repeatedly, “what happened? Where did you find me?” About six hours later around 2AM standing ALONE in the the cold emergency room, the doctor says to me, “it isn’t good. It’s cancer, and it’s in all the areas we scanned” I simply responded, “okay, thank you”.
Have you ever been running, tripped and had all the wind knocked out of you? Well imagine that feeling times TEN!
I walked back into her room smiling from ear to ear. I told her I had to use the restroom, cracked a corny ass joke to make her laugh, but not before lying to her when she asked what the doctor said.
Oh, FUCK YOU CANCER!
Oh, and FUCK YOU TOO DEMENTIA!
I needed a moment. I walked into a lonely hallway, and I paced. Paced some more and paced some more. Made phone calls. All while thinking, weren’t we just here?
God do you not remember? God, did you not hear her when she said she didn’t want to suffer????!!!???? Terminal cancer? But how?
Ugh, his will not ours right?
“Jazmine, I’m not ready to die”
“God, why is this happening to me?”
How do I help her? Do you know how hard it is to hear that, over and Over and OVER??? Do you?
Oh yeah, FUCK YOU DEMENTIA, AGAIN!
I feel like I’m standing on the shore, holding a life preserver while she’s in my reach, watching her slowly drown but unable to save her!
Ugh, but again, his will not mine right?
Okay Lord, what is it that you’re trying to teach us? I’m trying to catch it, but I’m having a hard time. No, this isn’t about me, but no one wants to watch their loved one suffer?
In moments like this, I believe it’s so important to allow people to be human!
Stop calling me for updates, because I don’t feel like talking nor telling the same story over and over. I’m livng this nightmare in real time.
Yes, I’m a Christian. Yes I know God, and truly understand that sometimes his will doesn’t look like what we think it should, doesn’t make this process any easier.
Let people be human. Let me be human. Let us be human. At this point in time, I can’t pray, and quite frankly, I have no desire to. If this blog feels like it’s all over the place, it is…just like me at the moment.
My girl. My homie. My shopping buddy. My farmer’s market partner.
I’ve watched dementia steal your mind, and currently watching cancer steal your life, but I still trust God the way you taught me to.
I know you don’t understand why this is happening, and neither do I, but I promise that I’ll do my very best to make your last days some of your very best days. I promise to make sure Jr. is okay because I know you’re worried. I promise to remember when you can’t. I promise to help you LIVE until God calls you home.
Your Baby Girl,
Until next time…🦋