“Grief is an unwelcome visitor. One that shows up unannounced and stays way too long.” Jaz
Grief can be the loss of a friendship. Grief can be the loss of a romantic relationship. Grief can be the loss of a job. Grief is not exclusive to death.
How does the dictionary define grief?
deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement
a cause of such suffering
an unfortunate outcome
Imagine experiencing some of the worst things imaginable in your life, then constantly trying to convince yourself that it isn’t really that bad because you’ve been conditioned to grin and bear it. To keep pressing on because life doesn’t stop and you have to keep showing up.
This is far too many of our stories. Several of us were taught to be built like the house made of bricks in the story of The Three Little Pigs. The only one that could withstand the heaviest of winds. The more you handle, “well”, is a true testament of strength. I say all of this with the utmost sarcasm because ain’t none of it true!!!!! Being “strong” through EVERYTHING is not a badge of honor that I want to continue to wear.
Growing up some of the things I heard when something “bad” happened…
“Never let them see you cry”
“You have to be strong for ______”
“It could always be worse”
“There’s somebody worse off than you”
Statements like this trained me to believe that grieving something/someone, or showing any sign of emotion that did not emulate strength was actually a weakness. I think now is a good time to introduce the guilt & shame I speak of in the title of this blog. So guess what happened the more I practiced this? I became an internalizer. I became a masker. I became resentful. I became hard and oft timed cold. I became judgmental because for the life of me I couldn’t understand why people couldn’t handle certain things. I became just like the people who trained me to be who I was.
Where am I today? The short answer, therapy.
Now we say hello again to guilt and shame now that they’ve been introduced. I just said to my therapist, if I met me as someone else, and heard about everything I’ve experienced the last 4 plus years, I would not want to be associated, because from the outside looking in because it appears like there is ALWAYS something going on. Like someone put roots on em’. We all know that one person that always has something going on. This creates and created a sprinkle of embarrassment.
While I’ve shared what I’ve gone through here on the blog, it’s not something I bring up in everyday conversation. The shame comes from, my thoughts about dealing with someone like me (people who have a lot going on). The shame comes from the days where you break because the pressure is too much. Sounds ridiculous right, but it absolutely happens. Feeling bad for feeling bad about things that happen to you is a very real thing! Are these things that are completely outside of your control? Yes. Does it change the mindset? No. I’ve had to come to terms either the fact that I can’t snap my fingers and undo 40 plus years of conditioning. It took 40 plus years to arrive here, so the processing of unlearning will also take time.
The purpose of this blog is to let those like me know they aren’t alone. To let people know that like Psalms 30:5 says,
Three things that have helped me on this journey…
Identifying the root cause so you can begin to retrain your brain. Don’t believe everything you think.
Seek help. I can’t say this enough, go to therapy and don’t be afraid to change therapist! Finding a good match is like using tinder. I’ve never used it, but I’ve heard 😆
Give yourself grace! A scripture I hold near and dear…Psalms 30:5, “weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning”.
Until next time…🦋
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