Just woke up from my third nap of the day. Dizziness still present, but not like it has been.
How many of you have ever kept going ignoring the warning signs of a breakdown?
Our bodies are like our vehicles. They require routine checks, maintenance, refueling, and usually before they breakdown, they give us warning signs. When my truck needs an oil change I get the little wrench indicator with a 15% warning. Then it goes to 10%. Then 5%. Then negative miles indicating that it’s now overdue.
This was my body the last few weeks. It began with on and off dizziness. Diarrhea. Headaches. Fatigue. Feeling overwhelmed, but, I kept it pushing, until yesterday... The whole day had a weird ass vibe. I was on the day shift at my parents. My mom was on 3000. Wouldn’t sit down. Wouldn’t be still. Kept bothering my dad, AND, I still worked all day!
During my work day, I answered phone calls, met with the nurse, gave medication and even cleaned out the freezer. I kept getting this overwhelming feeling, like I just needed a break. Shout out to the brother-in-law who was also there to run interference while my girlfriend and I worked.
I’ve been feeling like I needed an escape for sometime. I even made a doctors appointment for the dizziness, but missed it because it was the day my dad was sent home. I kept telling myself, I’ll reschedule soon (look at my ass now). Say it with me, “you gon’ learn today!”
Listen Linda, when your body says rest, REST! If you don’t, the rest you get won’t be voluntary! The night of the weird vibe day I was feeling off. My girlfriend and I finally left only to be called back by my mom who was seriously confused requesting help. Y’all I hadn’t cooked for my family in over a week. We’ve been surviving off of bullshit! Delicious, but definitely NOT healthy. This particular night, I had thawed out some beautiful ribeyes and planned to cook, spend time with my kids and just relax.
After the call, my girlfriend suggested, “why don’t you just cook the food over there. We’ll give your dad his last meds and we’ll bring dinner home.” Not wanting to, I agreed. We got over there. I checked on my dad, and managed my mom’s 200 requests to help. I started feeling myself getting dizzy. Then the nausea set in. I got shaky. I was feeling a little faint. Oh, but I still managed to cook dinner! I told my girlfriend that I was feeling sick and we needed to go. Not wanting to alarm my mom, I told her that my son had a migraine and we needed to leave to give him meds. I assured her that my niece would handle everything when I left.
Before I continue, shout out to my sister, my niece, nephew, brother-in-law and last but definitely not least, my children and my girlfriend! Remember my blog “It Takes A Village”? Yeah, this entire situation has been a lot for us all, but unfortunately has taken a toll on my physical body.
I came back home, took off my clothes and sat down. Dizzy and spent. My daughter and oldest son came into my room. My son who thinks he’s someone’s daddy stood to the right of me with his arms crossed. My daughter in front of me staring at me with concerned eyes. My daughter says to me, “mom, why haven’t you said anything about not feeling well? I’m grown, Ardell is grown, we can handle it.” Before she finished talking I broke down. My daughter grabbed me, and my son grabbed us both. I wept like a baby, for what seemed like forever. My daughter held me while telling me everything was gonna be okay. I uttered the words...”I don’t want to die”. She held me until the crying stopped.
My son (everyone’s pseudo daddy) said, “mom, you know you have to take care of yourself right? You know WE need you right?” Y’all, I felt that in my soul!
In that moment I felt a bit of guilt. Guilt that I wasn’t strong enough to hold it together in front of my children. I had to remind myself that it’s okay to break. It’s okay to cry, even in the presence of your children. It doesn’t mean you’re weak.
Today, today Lawd, I was unable to do anything other than rest. As I write this, I’m still in bed at 7:50 PM. I’ve taken three naps and still feel quite weak. I have not showered, brushed my teeth or taken off my bonnet. I had a doctors appointment and he prescribed something for the dizziness. Anyone who has ever had any type of vertigo knows that it’s no joke! I absolutely hate being dizzy! All day my jaw has been clenched, and I know it’s from the stress. I’ve been consciously relaxing my face when I notice it.
Today was a not so gentle reminder that my body needs rest. That I can’t pour from an empty cup. That my children need their mommy. That I can’t do ALL the things. That someone other than me can be the point of contact. That there is only one of me and I don’t get a do-over. Praying for a better tomorrow.
Let this be your gentle reminder to rest when you feel you need to. To NOT ignore signs that tell you something may be wrong.
Until next time...REST 🦋