Before I get started, today we are going to be tackling a few things, and because I know how my own attention span is set up, there may be a Part II.
At the very ripe age of 42, I’ve experienced just about every spectrum of the relationship world. I’ve been single. I’ve dated. I’ve been married, and divorced. I’ve also been in a situationship. I’ve almost been widowed...y’all ever seen snapped? I digress.
Let’s jump right into it.
Situationships...whew Lawd, this may take awhile. What is a situationship you ask? Well after consulting the all knowing Google, I found the following definition on the trusty urban dictionary;
Let’s just chill, have sex, and be confused on the fact that we are not together but have official emotions for each other.
Listen, let me explain why situationships can be dangerous (in my opinion). Before entering any type of “dating” situation, a conversation needs to be had. Why? Because sometimes, one of the involved parties are not aware that they are entering a situationship. Being a situationship can be confusing, emotionally taxing, and downright annoying, especially if you’re the one wanting an actual relationship. So you mean to tell me that we’re going to talk everyday for months (or more), cuddle, have sex, move like a whole couple in a whole relationship but not be in one, officially. And don’t tell me that’s what dating is...aht aht, no ma’am, and no sir. Respectfully, move on. Now this is just my pov, I’m a “you do what works for you” kind of person.
Marriage...I got married 4/22/00 12 days after my 21st birthday. Y’all, I still had milk on the breath! I knew nothing about being a wife. After being married six long ass years, I filed for divorce. Let me say this, I am a true believer in marriage and the sanctity of it, however, after being turned down twice in my last relationship, I convinced myself that marriage just wasn’t for me. Y’all, I was lying to myself because I was angry.
Can we talk about marriage for a second? Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is work. Yes, the bachelorette & bachelor parties are fun. The wedding by far will be, well should be, one of the best days of your life, but then what? Then the real work begins. I often hear people say, there will be good days, and there will be bad days, but I choose to use “off” days. I’m a true believer that you can make all the days good if you choose to.
I know, I know, somebody is out there thinking, now that shit sounds real unrealistic, but trust me. I’m going to share something with you that helps me on those off days. It’s one simple question. You ever have those off days where your husband/wife , boyfriend/girlfriend or partner is getting on your last nerve? When you’re mad? When every little thing they do annoys you? This is where you have to control your mind and your emotions. Yes, easier said than done, but 100% possible. Ask yourself?
Why do I love him/her?
Immediately start making your mental list. You can also write your list if that works better for you. For me, it brings me right back to the reason I said yes! I have never been one who enjoyed spats, fighting or being at odds. Silence used to be my weapon of choice in those moments, but Lawd, life will reach you! Two words, speak up! I refuse to go to bed mad. We gone love and let God lol.
What I love about marriage is having a partner to do life with. As I married women, I enjoyed wearing my ring. I never removed it while married. It’s what the ring signified for me! I can firmly say that yes, I want to be someone’s wife someday, and be confident in my response.
Dating...after my breakup in the beginning of the year, dating was the last thing on my mind! I was like, let me just enjoy this single life, and this break. The thought of dating actually scared me. I actually started to experience anxiety remembering all of the things I heard after I divorced.
“Who’s gonna want you, you’re damaged goods” Again...
“Who’s gonna want to date you with four kids?” Again...
But now, here I was, some 16 years after divorce, months out of a breakup from a 15 year relationship and I wasn’t 26 anymore. Here I was, 41 almost 42...I mean forty damn two. Same four kids, now almost grown but the thought of having to go through the whole get to know each other stage. Introducing my kids. SEX! Farting. Yes y’all, it is and was that deep for me! Not gon lie, for about five minutes I was singing, “I’m going to the streets, the streets are calling my name, this summah”. Then I thought, what I look like hoeing out here this old...lmao, Then I had to check myself! I said, “sis, if you want to date, then date!” Then came the question, men or women? I mean valid question since I had just ended a 15 year relationship with a woman.
I did what I knew to do, prayed. Here is what I knew. I knew that I wanted to date a man, and let me explain why. There were several aspects about being with a man that I missed. The protection. The being held. The sex. Say what you want, but there is something about being held in the arms of a man! So what did I do, I wrote what I wanted, needed and refused to compromise on. Not soon after writing that list I met someone, a gentleman, and my God today. So is your girl dating? Absofuckinglutely, and unapologetically might I add.
What I want you to take away. Whether single, dating, married or thinking of any of the three, how YOU choose to move is your business. There are no written rules in love, you make them. And to my 40 and over single mamas out there, finding love is possible! Don’t let past circumstances, previous heartbreak, naysayers or anything else stop you!
Until next time...🦋