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How I Prepared for what I Prayed For (Relationship Edition)

“Truth is, a lot of us are out here praying for spouses and partners that we aren’t ready for because we haven’t done the self work.” Jaz

“God, I’ve been praying and you still haven’t sent them. I just don’t understand it.” Meanwhile we’re still battling childhood trauma, daddy issues, previous relationship wounds and a host of other issues. God ain’t sent them because you aren’t ready!

In the very beginning of the year, I ended my 15 year relationship. It came as a shock to many, but we knew it was time. I knew that, I’d much rather have her as a friend before allowing our wounds and differences to make us enemies.

After the breakup, I knew I wanted to eventually enter another relationship, not immediately, but I didn’t put a timeframe on it. I just said, “in God’s timing”. I did however, know that there were some things that I wanted, and needed to do before entering another relationship, so here is what I did.

I decided to write down exactly what I was looking for. Y’all, I got real specific! Here is what I knew, I knew that I wanted this relationship to end in marriage, so I asked God for a husband. For those who have been following me, you know that my last relationship was with a woman so this looked a bit different to most.

I wrote about how I wanted to be loved, the type of communication I desired, intimacy, date nights, him loving my children, another baby (yes at 42), respect and so on.

Most important to me, I listed the things I wanted to heal before even starting a relationship. What I know for certain, is that entering a relationship with the common bond being brokenness can be problematic when healing doesn’t happen together. Brokenness, unaddressed and unhealed trauma can create a weak foundation, as well as, resentment and animosity to name a few.

I knew I had to heal some very toxic patterns that began way back in my marriage. Yes, I was still dealing with shit from the year 2000, and before. I had yet to be in a completely healthy relationship. Now, while things improved in the relationship after my marriage, there was still a lot of unhealed trauma on both sides, and guess what happened? Healing didn’t happen together.

Isn’t it amazing how long we can carry things that we know aren’t good for us?

Stay in toxic relationships for years? Walking around voluntarily holding onto toxic behaviors and patterns that we could easily stop if we just took time to heal. But it isn’t always that easy, ask me how I know?

Fact is, some of us learn to comfortably exist in chaos, toxic relationships (romantic & familial). I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again - existing in chaos & toxic relationships is some of our norms. That meant to me that there was a reason I was attracting certain things. When you keep attracting toxic or unhealthy relationships, LOOK IN THE MIRROR. Self work was my assignment! Let me say, healing is where the work resides! It’s also what opens the door to welcome in the healthy partner you prayed for.

Until next time…🦋

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